It began with a skype session with my best friend. We were talking about my love life, and continuing lack of a love life, when she admitted she didn’t know why I was single. Yes, she is the perfect bff.
I told her that I wanted to be a published author before I ‘met’ someone.
There was a moment of silence.
An inner self-shriek of ‘where’s your self-worth?’ Do you really believe that you can’t find someone without being a published author? And the answer was scary, it was a yes. I really didn’t believe that I had anything to offer anyone. That nobody would want a 32-year-old honours student, waitress, who dreamt of being a writer.
My best friend, said, ‘Pen, they aren’t going to fall in love with a book.’
Tears began. Nice tears. Tears that I had a crazy, delusion belief that I wasn’t good enough, worthy enough to be loved.
And after that conversation I realized I needed to change. I had some serious love work to do on myself, or perhaps, within myself.
Cuddled up in bed with Robert Holden, his book not the man himself, I began reading his book ‘lovability’. And he reminded me that I hadn’t done any ‘I love myself’ mirror work – also advocated by Louise Hay.
So at 10pm at night, I sat in front of a mirror and spent twenty minutes sending myself loving messages like ‘I love myself’. And then I spent some time sending love to areas that I don’t usually feeling positive or loving in like ‘I love my body’, ‘I love my writing’ and ‘I love my money’.
The next day, I decided to do the same. Start the day with love. I sat in front of the mirror for ten to fifteen minutes and repeated the same loving messages. The result: I had the best day. I felt strong and positive throughout the day. I enjoyed my work, my colleagues and was productive and efficient. I went to the gym and did a fierce and calorie burning workout. I ate a beautiful dinner and even made ginger and peanut butter (amazing) vegan muffins.
Saying ‘I love you’ and spending time filling myself with love – felt like I was positively fueling myself. Normally Monday’s I feel burnout, exhausted, and low energy. This Monday was love-charged, joyous and empowering.
I’ve decided to dedicate this blog to love: To create a dialogue around different activities to increase my self-love and expression of love.
I’m determined to be a more loving person and to live a love filled life.
Wishing you love xx
When I was eleven my parents separated. I remember praying from the marrow of my bones to God to bring them back together. I’d never prayed with such intense desperation - I would pray so hard that I would be crying not to let my parents marriage fail, not to let my family fall apart. Despite my prayers, their seperation led to divorce. And it made me believe that prayers weren’t answered and there was no God.
Maybe this is how a lot of people lose faith, in crisis they see no heavenly response and so the result is to believe that there is no divinity in the world. Since then, I’ve found my faith but it was only recently that I realised I still had an unhealed wound
about God answering prayers.
What this week has taught me is that the universe answers all prayers but sometimes with a no. I think of it like a parent when a child asks for a third helping of icecream – sometimes a no is better for them then a yes.
I believe my parents were happier post seperation/divorce then they would’ve been together. I believe that my prayers were selfish of what I wanted, and not what was best for the family. And I believe that it was better that my parents were honest that they no longer wanted to be married to each other, than lie to each other, themselves, us children, and the community. Now, I can applaud their bravery in being authentic.
Now this all came about from a conversation with a friend, when I complained I had been praying for great guys to date but what I really wanted was something more serious, a divinely blessed union - or to decipher my hippie talk - the right one at the right time, for a long time. She asked me why not pray for exactly what I wanted and I replied I was too scared to pray for this, because I was scared to get a no from the universe. And this memory of praying for my parents to stay together and that feeling of denial from the universe came about.
If I’m praying for something that is not in best and highest interests then the universe will say no to me, and I’m okay with that. So I'm praying to meet the man of my dreams, to have a relationship that is loving, appreciative, and blessed. I'm praying to meet the
man I will marry and have beautiful babies with. I'm still a bit nervous actually praying for these things, but I'm working on having faith that the universe knows what is in my highest and best good and will provide that for me. Feel free to say a prayer for me, I can use the help ;)
My prayer for you is that all your heart desires be heard by the universe and answered for your highest and best good and for the good of all involved.
My French friend says that ‘Love is a great challenge’. For the sake of this blog, I’m going to appropriate this and say ‘Dating is a
great challenge’. Writing and dating have been mirroring a lesson for me, let go of the need to be liked and be authentic.
With writing it’s the lesson of writing from the heart, what needs to be written, not writing for marks or for approval of others.
With dating it’s been letting go of the public persona, the person I pretend to be (whom I think people will like more than the real
me), and just get real with people. My fear in being the real me was that the imagined hurt and pain if I was rejected, that I couldn’t stand them not actually appreciating the truth of who I am.
Recently I’ve been dating with this intention, feeling very vulnerable as to be dating without my lifelong persona doing all the work
for me. There was a very nice guy that was the first one to experience dating the authentic me (or at least as authentic as I could be). Unfortunately, after a few dates my fear of not being liked for my true self crashed into reality.
Him not really liking me didn’t turn me into a hot mess, like I thought it would. I felt proud I’d been myself and was honest during all the dates. It was better for him to say you’re not right for me, than I really like this fake person and be trapped into faking it for the rest of my life.
Not being liked is really not as bad as I thought it was. It was a bit of a shock though – I’d hoped that being authentic would pay off
dividends, and I would be rewarded for my bravery. But no, I’m kidding the rewards wasn’t the beginning of a great relationship, it was the gift of encountering my fear – of the reality of not being liked when someone had seen the real me.
I view the whole thing as a limiting belief I had to fully encounter and breathe through, to be free from it. And now I feel
empowered to be myself, I want to share my true self with others. It’s also that if I am my full self, free from pretence, then I also allow and encourage others to be their full self.
We are all perfect pieces of God. It’s an honour to allow people to know your full spectrum of humanity from the good to the bad. And truly it’s an honour when someone allows you to see everything that they are.
So I ask the Universe to bless every part of who you are, and to bless every part of who I am.
Sometimes only a moment if needed for the universe to change your life. You can be praying over something, worrying, focussing on something for a long time and then for reasons unknown to you – the universe delivers.
In the world of self help/spirituality there’s a lot of focus on the Law of Attraction – that if you believe, focus, and keep your
attention on what you want: it will happen. Sometimes people miss the disclosure that it will only be attracted into your life, if it’s meant to be or if it’s the will of the universe. Sometime we ask for things that are not in our highest or best good or something that’s not inline with the intentions of our soul or purpose in life.
For me, the law of attraction is not as easy as making a wish and expecting it to come true in thirty seconds. Like anything in life, it
takes work, persistence and a whole lot of time, blood, sweat and tears. Or maybe I just like doing things the difficult way ;)
However, I do believe in the law of attraction, that as the course in miracles states “There are no idle thoughts”. I was very happy to blog recently, that I finally sent out my resume to apply for some internships. This is something I have worried about, procrastinated over, and prayed for. Within twenty-four hours I had received a response from Sleepers Publishing (an Australian publishing house), and have started my first manuscript appraisal yesterday.
This is my first real step to a career in literary editing as well as being personally inspiring to read someone’s novel. To see
someone else succeed is the best endorsement that you too (one day) can also and will also succeed.
So my thoughts for today, if there’s something you’re worrying over, procrastinating about or praying for: Give the universe something tangible to work with. Send off a resume, send a text message, write an email, go to a networking event, or even smile at a stranger. It’s a trinity: Think, do, and have.
I wish that everything you think you should have (that is also the will of the universe), that you pursue it with your whole heart, mind
and soul and that it is granted to you quickly and easily.
Penelope Jane Jones.